For Rowdy Christians Everywhere Page 7

Chapter 6: Reading, Riding, Short Division and Fractions (...you’ll see)

  “...of making many books there is no end; and much study is a weariness of the flesh. Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man.” Ecclesiastes 12:12-13

  It was the middle of the next afternoon. Luke stopped walking, and looked at the big town in front of him. It wasn’t pretty, but it was big and mysterious and vibrant, and Luke was glad to be there.

  Luke entered Chicago, and walked along the bright blue summer afternoon street, between tall stone buildings, rubberneckin’ like a foreigner, which he was. “Wow. This is some scene,” he said to himself. “Where shall I begin? Perhaps at the library, like my friend Caveman suggested.” Luke stopped a young lady who was walking the other way on the sidewalk. She was a beautiful accountant named Europa Callisto. But Luke didn’t know all that, coz he didn’t ask. Actually, he scarcely even noticed her beauty, because he was distracted by the burning question on his mind: “’Scuse me miss; Which way to the library?”

  Europa smiled at him, and flashed her clever, bright eyes. “Hmm, the library...” she said josh-thoughtfully, “I might have to look it up.” Luke missed the joke and was a little surprised when she then proceeded to offer directions. “Now then, to get there, you must continue down this street until you reach the intersection of Seven Mile and Eleven Mile roads. (Ah, but they do intersect--if you fold your map a few times at a 34 degree angle!) Then turn left and press on to Crazy Street. Go either way on Crazy Street, take sixteen consecutive right turns, and you’ll be at Library Street.”21

  “And the Library is there, I trust?”

  “No, ironically. But there will be a bus stop, and you can tell the driver to drop you off at the library.”

  Luke’s countenance fell. “Oh golly. What a shame. I am but a poor country boy, and I have no money for bus fare.”

  Europa smiled. “Here. Take mine,” she insisted. “You need it more than I do. Besides, it’s a gorgeous day, and I don’t mind walking home.” Luke was reluctant, but she insisted, and so he finally accepted the money she offered him. Then he gave her a high-five and a handshake and said, “Thank you so much, kind stranger.” Europa gave a shaking-head smile and wished him well. Then she walked home whistling, to her tiny apartment and her tiny family, while Luke journeyed on to the Library.

  After some twisting and turning on Crazy Street, Luke finally reached the bus stop. He stood and waited for the bus for a half an hour, during which time he met an elegant old lady named Ginger, and a young schoolteacher named Marianne (no relation), and a crafty lawyer named Wayne. They talked a while, and they-all told Luke a little about Chicago, while he told them about Hun-Country. Then he held their attention describing the legendary time when he had played football against the Mighty Cornhuskers! But Ginger outdid him, recounting the tale of how she had once been courted by the King of Thebes.

  “The King of Thebes! How magnificent!” Luke exclaimed. “Why didn’t you marry him?”

  Ginger laughed and winked a still-starry eye. “I decided I preferred the King of Spain,” she said dreamily, as she thought back on her wonderful romances. The others were awed by her celebrity, and they scrambled for the privilege to help her with her groceries as the bus arrived and they boarded. Deep-pockets-Wayne even paid her bus fare for her.

  The bus driver was a solidly built young man with a red-hooded-sweatshirt and an old Tigers ballcap. He was drop-dead gorgeous, and also he was an all-around good guy, by the way. He chuckled when he saw that Ginger had been telling her stories again. Then he asked everyone in a loud but professional way: “Where to, y’all?”

  Marianne told him, “My house on West Lafayette.”

  Ginger said, with a playful wink-wink, “You know where I live.”

  Wayne told him, “I need to go down to the police station to spring one of My Boys.”

  Luke implored the driver, “I would like to go to the Library, please. I wish I may, I wish I might.”

  The driver smirked and closed the door. “K. So hold on tight!” he rhymed, and then he did a little reckless driving, flying around the corners on Crazy Street with great speed and enthusiasm (the tires weren’t the only ones squealing), as if he were the only driver on the road--which of course he was. True, there were a few horses, but they don’t count.22 Eventually he got them all to their destinations, safe and sound and none the worse for the experience. Luke waved goodbye to his friends on the bus (including the really groovy bus-driver, whom he admired very much, oh very much indeed), and he went into the Library.

  The Library was a truly astounding institution. There were all kinds of books and magazines and newspapers, more than Luke had ever seen before! All in alphabetical order, too!

  Luke the Hun strolled over to the counter, and introduced himself to the lovely librarian, who was enough older than him that she could be looked up to, but still young enough to command attraction. “Howdy, ma’am! I am Luke, a wanderer and a wonderer. I have come from afar on a quest for knowledge and enlightenment.”

  The librarian smiled. “Pleased to meet you, Mr. Luke. I am called Mercredi.”

  “Marigold?”

  She laughed. “No, Mercredi. It’s French.”

  “Well, I’m not French23, so I’ll just call you M-K for short. Is that acceptable?”

  “That would be perfect,” she said agreeably. “Now then, Mr. Luke, how may I assist you?”

  Luke looked around in a wide-eyed way. He waved his arm at all the books. “Look at ’em all! This place sure is somethin’. Tell me, where shall I begin?”

  “See, that depends on what you’re looking for,” Mercredi explained practically.

  Luke gestured broadly and said in a dramatic way, “I seek the Wisdom of the Ancients!” Then he bowed.

  MK laughed. “Wow. That is quite a grand mission all right. I don’t rightly know where you should start. Perhaps with Aristotle; he’s quite wise.”

  “Then I shall end with him--save the best for last, so to speak. I reckon I’ll just look around for a while first, and see what I come up with,” Luke decided.

  MK smiled and wished him good luck and encouraged him, “Don’t be afraid to ask me if there’s anything you need help with, and don’t be shy about using our extensive card catalog: many people find it quite useful.”

  “Thank you,” said Luke, and then he went to look around. Before long, he found some animated books by a fella named Dr. Suess. They had some far-out pictures, and used a lot of curious words with which Luke was not familiar. Luke was impressed by the clever use of rhyme, and foreshadowing, and symbolism, and he assumed that since the author was a Dr., the books must contain some great wisdom and significance, shrouded in surrealism. But not having a doctorate himself, Luke couldn’t quite grasp the author’s piercing commentaries, so he moved on to another aisle of the library.

  He found a book of poetry by a famous beatnik named With-it Larry. He read it through, and found that it was mostly cynical trash, except for one short piece which contained the passage: “Man; life is a Groovy thing. Dig it?

  Luke could dig it, and he was impressed by the beatnik’s sudden wisdom. With-it Larry would have been upset with Luke, however, for taking the remark out of context, for the title of this poem was: This, Like Life, Is a Lie...

  Luke, ignoring the title, went away from the poetry aisle feeling wise and blissful. He moved on to the music aisle, where he found a biography of Cesar Chavez by bass-player Stanley Clarke, with the interesting title, Never Lose your Heart; There Lies the Passion.24 “Cool. I agree,” Luke agreed. Then he found a pamphlet by a singer named Belinda, containing several wise advices, including the suggestion “Live your life, Be free,” and the philosophy, “If I’m a fool for Love, I don’t care, I don’t care!” Luke smiled and said to himself, “Yeah, right on. Love is worth being a fool over. I think I’ll try it sometime!” Biding his time, of course.
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  Then Luke went and consulted the card catalog. Under the word “wise” he found a reference for a guy named Wise Joe. He went and looked up Wise Joe’s work, and found a big ancient tome entitled Ways to Have a Swell Life. Luke opened it up and started reading. The first tip said: “Besides being a moral imperative, it is also in our own best interest to treat our fellow human beings with friendship, kindness, and decency. Especially when they have doughnuts.”

  Luke was sure immediately that Wise Joe was deserving of his nickname, and he proceeded to read the whole book, only to find that it really petered out after the big debut. (Although the lasagna chapter was also reasonably good.)

  Next, scanning the shelves randomly, Luke was drawn to a colorful volume entitled An Illustrated History of Owen Sound. Opening it up and skimming through it, he found that it was an atlas of sorts: on every second page there was an elaborate map, and on the page facing, a verse explaining it. The first map, for example, showed only a large castle and a few huts, accompanied by ‘the rhyme that spawned an empire, the lyric that created a legacy, the verse that inspired a generation’:

  “The King of Thebes was looking down

  Not at you, but at a map of Owen Sound.”25

  The next map showed the addition of a few more houses and a square brick hospital with a Swiss flag on top, and the verse:

  “I read a rhyme of Owen Sound,

  enhancing my noble feeling.

  Next time I promenade downtown,

  I’ll go to the hospital for healing.”

  After that came a great many more houses, supported by a grocery store, a delicatessen, and a bakery, described by the caption:

  “I read a rhyme of Owen Sound,

  It was so good it made me go nuts.

  Next time I go down to the wild west end

  I’ll stop at the bakery for doughnuts.”

  Doughnuts again, Luke observed. These book-a-writers really know what they’re doin’. He turned the page to see an expanding city, and the description,

  “I read a rhyme of Owen Sound,

  It was so sweet it made me heartsick.

  Next time I get down to the river

  I’ll take my gal to the Park for a picnic.”

  By now the map was getting quite elaborate, and Luke had to read the text to realize what had been added on the next page:

  “I read a rhyme of Owen Sound,

  It was so grand I wished I was there.

  Next time I come in from the suburbs

  I’ll stop at the Cathedral for prayer.”

  That made Luke feel kind of holy and good, so he happily turned another page, to find even the corners of the map filling in nicely, and the cheery advertising slogan:

  “I read a rhyme of Owen Sound,

  The best place of them all!

  Why don’t you come here for Christmas,

  And shop at our wonderful Mall?

  Okay, now they’re just getting silly, Luke told himself. But he had come this far, and there were only a few pages left, so he turned one:

  “I read a rhyme of Owen Sound,

  It made me yearn for knowledge.

  I’m going to spend six years on south campus,

  And learn at the Community College.”

  When Luke turned the last page, he was taken aback by the change. The city map was an indistinguishable smear and the text was jus’ about indecipherable too:

  “I meant to go to college,

  But instead we all went to the bar;

  Rezum sizzum... lamma luggle... bobm...muml...

  nite nite”

  And the book ended abruptly.26 No more than the ramblings of a drunken grad student no doubt, but for some reason Luke was upset by the ending: somehow the way the peaceful village had grown up into a glorious kingdom, only to end in chaos and confusion, had to parallel the effects of the Hun onslaughts on their unsuspecting neighbors. Oops. You never think about that stuff at the time, he realized.

  Feeling sad and ashamed now (but he didn’t cry: ‘Shh, no sobbing in the library,’ he remembered, having been warned more than once while cramming for finals at Iowa State!), he figured he better read his Bible for a while. A much nicer book, he decided. There he found a few words which seemed to comment on what he had read. The growth bit by bit of the city seemed similar to the process described by Isaiah: ‘For precept must be upon precept, precept and precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little.’ Luke decided that applied to his own search, and resolved to continue that process, keep the kingdom growing within him so to speak, and try to remember to avoid the type of ruin he had observed at the end. With discernment, diligence, dignity... “Or by just plain laying off the sauce.”

  Once he was over the tragedy of the Owensoundlanders, Luke went back to the shelf to see what else he might learn. A weighty volume named The Intriguing Account of The Skinny Guy looked like it might measure up to its claims. Once he had it open, he realized with some disappointment that it was merely a medical case study, which at first seemed like it would likely be a little bit dry. But fortunately, this one too was written in rhyme! And with easy words--because as the author explained in a foreword: “All yous med students gots enough heavy reading right? So I’ll just tell yis what happened and you can put it in doctorfied language yourselves. Be good practice for ya. Also check out the rhymes: for use as a memory aid, see. Yeah, yis are welcome.” So Luke slipped easily into the text:

  (Act I) The Skinny Guy swallowed a bug.

  It stuck out of his belly like a funny black plug.

  Someone punched him out of exasperation,

  And now, for life, he has constipation.

  (Act II) The Skinny Guy sat on the pot,

  He tried to go but he could not.

  He sorrowed and grieved for his situation,

  For all that came out was perspiration.

  (Act III) The Skinny Guy went to the clinic,

  Where they plied him with prunes and Triaminic.

  Then they pumped his stomach and turned him loose,

  With instructions to only drink apple juice.

  (Act IV) The Skinny Guy kept suff’ring along,

  With something inside him gone terribly wrong.

  He remained unable to digest dinner

  He tried and he tried, but failed, and grew thinner.

  (Act V) The Skinny Guy soon wasted away:

  He could move pretty fast on a windy day.

  But he developed a condition called 1-D bones,

  And slowly imploded, amid sighs and groans.

  Luke sighed himself, to find that another promising book had turned out to have a sad and depressing ending. Not only did Luke feel sorry for the subject of this case study, but he felt a little sorry for himself that his much-hyped library outing was turning out like this! He had taken a moral from the Owen Sound book, but he couldn’t even imagine what the moral would be in this case: certainly ‘You are what you eat’ fell a little short. And ‘Pass the ketchup’ just seemed crass. Perhaps he would have found a clue in his Bible again, but he didn’t have time, coz MK was walking by with a cart of books just then, and he wanted to ask her: “Hey, what’s up with all these sad books you‘ve got in this liberry? People dying and stuff.”

  MK shrugged. “’S way it goes. That’s mortality for ya. You want to read about eternal life, you keep reading that one you brought in with ya,” she pointed out, reaching over and snapping the cover of Luke’s Bible. “Or better yet, take a break. Go play outside, boyo. Get some fresh air.”

  “You like it outside?” Luke asked. This hadn’t occurred to him. Call it a stereotype, but as a librarian, Luke had assumed that she must like reading books.

  Mercredi dispelled that notion: “Love it outside! Hiking, Jogging, Cross-country skiing. You name it. What are you going to learn cooped up in here? Nothing more than what other men can teach you, and that ain’t much,” (she said knowingly.) “You’re reading their books, you’re living in their
building... But if you want to find out about God...” She nodded her head towards the door, as in, Get Outta Here. “...He writes his words across the skies, and upon every hill and plain. And the Great Outdoors is the Cathedral where you can worship Him. It’s not the only place, but you asked for my opinion, and here it comes now, are ya ready?” She point-point-pointed towards the EXIT.

  Luke shrugged and smiled and went outside. Sure enough, it was a summer-grand day out there, and Luke had been missing out. He watched the land and sky for a while, trying to read those words she had spoken of, and then he decided it was all saying the same word she had summed it up with: He wrote in the back of his book, ‘Cathedral’.27 But then, since he already had his book out, he decided to try and get another word or two from nature.

  He struck up a conversation with a Junebug named June who was sitting on a branch. (Her mother had hoped to name her something captivating and unique, like Rania, or Tanith, or Manon, but alas, tradition had won out.) Luke asked her, “Hey lady, how’re you doin’? Can I get your take on all this?” he wondered, gesturing. “Have you any stories and tales for me? Any Words of Truth you can share?”

  The Junebug cleared her little throat, and was no doubt about to give him some precious insights now lost forever...coz just then, from behind, she was struck and cut in half by a praying mantis named Eagles that neither she nor Luke had seen.

  Luke was disturbed by the sudden violence, and didn’t know quite what to do, or what to say to this new company. Eagles settled that question by speaking first, with a kind of haughty bitterness: “You want Truth? This is Truth,” indicating the corpse, with a bent arm. “You want a Word? Fear. By the way, thanks for distracting her. You can have the head if you want.” (Who says there is no honor among thieves?.) Luke blanched and went back inside.

  “Back so soon?” the librarian inquired, somewhere between puzzlement and mirth.

  “Forgot to read Aristotle,” Luke pointed out. Luke found some books by Aristotle and sat down to start readin’. But first, he took out his own book to add Eagles’ word, as well as adding the word that he thought June Bug might have given had she had time: ‘Precious’. Then he remembered to go back and add words to remind him of his friends on the bus: ‘Memories’ for Ginger; ‘Loyalty’ for Wayne; and for Marianne, who during their bus trip had shared the secret that “The more I teach, the more I learn; and the more I learn, the better I teach,” Luke tried hard to make a decision, and finally added both words. They seemed to go together anyway.

  Then he went to Aristotle for the rest. He discovered a lot of good ideas about The Good Life, about politics, about ethics, and about virtue. Finally, in the Nicomachean Ethics, he found this passage:

  “It is not enough to know about Virtue, then, but we must endeavor to possess it, and to use it, or to take any other steps that may make us good.”

  Luke put the book back on the shelf, and said to himself, “I reckon that means maybe there’s only so much to learn from books, and after while I’ve got to get out there and mix it up, and start doing good deeds and loving people. Real life, huh. Here we go.” So he headed for the door.

  Before he left, he met MK again. “Did you find what you were looking for?” she asked hopefully.

  “I think I made a start,” said Luke. “Say, can I ask you a favor? May I give you a hug?”

  MK laughed. “Now why would you want to do that?”

  “Because I love you,” said Luke, ready to begin.

  “You love me? Wow. Why is that?” she wondered. She was somewhat flattered and it made her kind of happy but mainly she was just amused.

  Luke shrugged his shoulders. “I guess you’re just a real nice lady. You seem like someone whom people ought to love.”

  “Why, thank you,” said Mercredi, and they gave each other a hug and smiled. Then Luke thanked her for all the library-assistance, and he left the building, steering clear of the back yard.